


True

by stephanericher



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 13:30:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7575793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephanericher/pseuds/stephanericher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you push me to push myself</p>
            </blockquote>





	True

Tatsuya can’t say no when Taiga invites him to stay in Tokyo the summer after graduation. Their relationship isn’t nearly as strong as it once was, but they’re rebuilding it piece by piece, steady from a level foundation, even across the distance from Akita to Tokyo. They talk; they visit each other; they play basketball, and from where they are now a whole summer might not be moving too fast. It’s a little too much for Tatsuya to be comfortable with the idea at first, but Taiga sounds so hopeful that it’s hard not to catch the feeling through the phone line, and he says yes.

Within a few weeks, they fall into easy routines. Tatsuya makes them breakfast in the morning before Taiga goes to school; Taiga picks up groceries on his way home and they make dinner together. Some nights they watch a movie or Tatsuya helps Taiga with his homework; other nights they go out and play basketball, making up stupid moves or (more often) taking each other seriously in a one-on-one. And while Tatsuya starts out giving it his all, by the third week he’s giving it more than that and somehow Taiga is still beating him by more and more; somehow Taiga seems to not have to work as hard.

He squashes the notion that Taiga’s not taking this seriously; Taiga’s proved that more than he should ever have to by now. And he means it when he says he’s serious about it, that Tatsuya’s absolutely his rival as much as his brother and friend, that he enjoys it. But the more they play, the more another feeling comes up, a feeling that Tatsuya can’t squash and isn’t really sure he should want to. It’s the feeling that, despite how Taiga is consciously taking him seriously, considering him a rival and holding him in high regard, unconsciously he’s limiting himself, holding himself back, just to keep them on semi-level ground in order to cling to the illusion of competition.

And Tatsuya’s not just bothered by the fact that he really can’t keep up with Taiga anymore (holding back or no, he hasn’t won in a long time) or by the notion that Taiga wants to let him down easy (even if it is subconscious). But if Taiga’s holding himself back against Tatsuya, can he let go of his limits against his real rivals, the people who could actually beat him, take him in a fair game? And even if he’s not holding back, is practicing against Tatsuya, who can’t hold a candle to those guys, dampening his potential? Could he be getting better faster if he was practicing against someone like Kise instead? Does some of him, does most of him, does all of him, wish he was practicing against Kise or some NBA player rather than Tatsuya?

He could be confusing their friendship for the desire to compete, accepting that playing against Tatsuya comes with being in his life—which it shouldn’t have to. It shouldn’t be all-or-nothing; Tatsuya knows he tends to conflate things and turn situations into black and white in his mind, and that Taiga doesn’t (that no matter how much worse of a basketball player Tatsuya is, Taiga still values their friendship; Tatsuya’s not going to discredit Taiga like that just to simplify his own worldview). But Tatsuya still wants; he’s still greedy; what they have is still not enough. He wants to be Taiga’s everything, his brother and his best friend and his biggest rival and his confidante all simultaneously. He knows he’s got no right to be possessive; he has no right to even want all this but that’s not going to stop him from wanting it anyway.

Sometimes it’s so bad he can’t sleep at night, tossing and turning only a few feet from Taiga’s room, the wall between them feeling like it might just follow them to the basketball court at this rate, leaving Tatsuya alone, too far behind, so far that Taiga shouldn’t look back and try to help him, because it’s fruitless anyway and they’ll both fail to catch up with everyone else. He clenches his jaw, moves his hands as if gripping an invisible basketball different ways, trying to lull himself asleep with familiar repetitions.

It doesn’t work; he’s still not sleeping. He’s starting to burn the food at breakfast and take naps while Taiga’s off at school (and even they don’t really work) and his play is suffering and the gap between him and Taiga is widening on both sides, like an earthquake has twisted and broken the ground between them and the aftershocks just keep coming.

And he can’t hide it from Taiga, not when they’re living together and not when Taiga’s always been able to read him better than anyone else, not when he’s been paying extra attention to Tatsuya’s emotions ever since they made up, not when Tatsuya’s already wasting all his energy trying to sleep and he doesn’t have enough left over to keep up the illusion.

They should be playing basketball tonight; they haven’t in a few days, but when Tatsuya asks Taiga shakes his head, and Tatsuya wonders for a split second how much he knows. Maybe he’s become aware of his subconscious; maybe he’s going to tell him to stop holding him back (he wouldn’t say it like that, but there are other ways of getting the message across).

“Tatsuya,” Taiga says, and pauses.

“Yes?”

Tatsuya finishes drying the plate in his hands and puts it in the rack, and then turns to look at him. Taiga looks nervous, like he’s not sure what he should say or can say or has to say. Tatsuya wants to ask, but it’s better to give him time to think of something, to let him say it right.

“Is everything okay?”

He gestures with his hands, as if he wants to clarify but isn’t sure what direction to take it. And Tatsuya could make him wait; there were times when he would have made him wait, but they’d promised to be honest with each other and he knows exactly what Taiga’s talking about. It’s better for both of them if the truth comes out; it’s better for them both if he’s not entirely selfish about this, holding on to an illusion.

“I…I don’t think we can call ourselves rivals anymore. You’re holding back; maybe you can’t see it, but every day you’re getting better and better and I’m getting worse, and if you’re playing against me you’re not getting as good as you could be if you were playing against someone on your level, and—I don’t want to hold you back.”

Taiga opens his mouth, as if he’s about to start saying something, but then closes it again. Tatsuya’s throat begins to close; he can say what he wants about not wanting to be selfish but he only really means it in the abstract sense, and why can’t he just be happy for Taiga without being sad about himself?

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s…I’m sorry, too,” says Tatsuya.

“No, no, no,” says Taiga. “I’m sorry I ever gave you that impression; I’m not holding back at all. If anything, I’m going more all-out against you because we’re rivals and because I can’t not think of you that way. I mean, whenever I’m playing you you’re so clearly giving it your all, and even more than that, and you want to win, and I want to want to win the way you do, because you always want it the most. I want to have that drive the way you do, the way you’re always pushing yourself to get better, the way you can’t stand giving up an inch.”

Tatsuya blinks; his throat still feels constricted and he’s trying to catch his breath.

“I mean…I love playing against you. And you push me to push myself, and, you know, isn’t that what a rival is?”

Tatsuya nods. Taiga’s face is still laced with concern; he claps Tatsuya on the shoulder.

“Get some sleep, okay? We can play when you’re feeling better. I’ll finish the dishes.”

And Tatsuya would protest, but what can he say? He just nods again. Isn’t he supposed to be the older one? When did Taiga get to be this mature? Is this really okay?

Taiga’s hand is still on his shoulder; Tatsuya moves in to hug him but he’s still not sure what to say. Should he thank him? Apologize? Tell him how proud he is? When he breaks away he’s still not sure, but he has to settle on something.

“Goodnight, Taiga,” he says.

“Goodnight,” Taiga echoes.

His smile is soft and for once, Tatsuya lets himself want to believe it. And tonight, sleep comes easy.

**Author's Note:**

> for kurobas week day 2: rivalry


End file.
